When
it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one
wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it
appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged
why they’re getting married, they’ll say: ‘We’re in love’!! I believe
this is the no 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life
partner should never be based on love alone. Though this may sound ‘not
politically correct’, there’s a profound truth here.
Love is not
the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good
marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the
love will balance it. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime
relationship on love alone, You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why
is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20
or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan
to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You
need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common
life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can
grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there
are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you
want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this
person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I
won’t get ‘punished’; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and
feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with
whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest
with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.
QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch ?
A
mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as ’someone who is always striving to be
good and do right'. So ask about your significant other: What do they do
with their time? Is this person
materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top
priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two
types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal
growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone
whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead
of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the
aisle.
QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people ?
The
one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
pleasure.
Ask yourself, Is this someone who enjoys giving
pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self
absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:
1.How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.
2.How
do they treat their
parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they
don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can
you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats
others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION 5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married ?
Too
many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to ‘improve’ them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine
puts it: ‘You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for
the worse’ If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now,
then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn’t
have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little
more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as
objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions
that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great
feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework.
Another
perspective…..There are some people in your life that need to be loved
from a distance. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of
or at
least minimize your time with draining, negative,
incompatible, not going anywhere relationships. Observe the
relationships around you. Pay attention; which ones uplift you and
which ones pull you down? Which ones encourage and which ones
discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are
going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or
feel worse? Which ones don’t appreciate you? Which ones make you feel
good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or
annotations.
The more you seek quality, respect,
growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will
become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should
be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states, ‘Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye’.
Before
you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust,
desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low
self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and
don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults isn’t really that important. Do you bring out the best in each
other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you
compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do
you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You
can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone
love you or
make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment,
and ‘a life’; you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible
for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex,
and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.
If
these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT PIECE GUYS... I'M OUT... AND DON'T FORGET IT'S 28 DAYS TO JAM SUMMIT 2014(MISSION A1:8)
